Take a look at this photo.

Stare at this photo for a few seconds and upload it into your memory folder titled “never again,” as a reminder of what a healthy relationship really looks like: Two people in their own separate containers (life space). e direction. Looking out at the world and how far they’ve come. Fire in between them.

My old definition of love would be these two people sitting in a bubbling jacuzzi. Jets blasting. Sitting on each other’s laps and facing each other. Drinking champagne and losing track of time. Yes, that sounds amazing. I’ve experienced it. But it’s not sustainable. The water gets hot. You get claustrophobic. You forget who you are.

A healthy relationship is two whole people with separate lives coming together to share their lives. Not to blend into one life. That is called co-dependency. Meshment. And it stunts growth. Many mistake this feeling for intensity or how much they love someone. But it’s not love. It’s the sticky of two people without boundaries and a sense of self. It’s the product of filling holes that we haven’t filled ourselves due to our story.

This happens because we are making decisions based only on how we feel instead of what we can build. Of course there needs to be attraction and draw but sometimes that stems from what feels familiar when we were younger, and since no one enters adulthood unscarred, that attraction can be dysfunction. That sticky doesn’t just connect us, it pulls us into each other. And the stronger the dysfunction, the stronger the pull. That’s why so many confuse codependency with love. I get it. I was one of them. I thought love meant we are one. We do everything together. There is no you and I. There is only us. This is teenage love. This is a poem. This is a romance a. Telemundo. It is not healthy love.

This means doing life with each other. Not for each other. I think when we get into a relationship, we can subtly start to control the other person without even knowing it. (más…)